In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
