I could have mohawked her pubes.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We had sex on a dog bed..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
