I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
