We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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