and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
