two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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