TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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