the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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