Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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