I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
