I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
