Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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