:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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