just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
