I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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