Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
