Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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