I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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