I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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