NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
