dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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