Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
