One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
