I got chris browned last night
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
