dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
