Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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