so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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