the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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