In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
