my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize