If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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