I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
