I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
