White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize