And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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