What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
