saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize