i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
