So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
