its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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