My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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