i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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