You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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