You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize