I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
