bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
