I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
