yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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