I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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