My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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