you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
