I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
