just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Acid is not a monday night drug
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
