Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
