I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
