dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
