i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
