The maid of honor just puked.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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