Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
