Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
