You made me cry and you don't even care
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
